Someone ought to tell Jennifer Lopez that it would be wise to shut her mouth before too much shit pours out of there.

She made an appereance on Good Morning America August 18 to discuss her preparations for the Malibu Triathlon.  She had been overheard by sources saying that she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about the swimmer”.  She even forgot Michael Phelp’s name.

To top it off she yapped about how the bigger story should be how she’s been training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth.  Bitch please!!!  Nobody cares about your damn trialthlon,  child or marriage.  Michael Phelps is the shit, and you’re just old news.

God, Jennifer Lopez is such a skank! I just want to throw shit at her!

Amy Winehouse is going to rehab again! Yes! Yes! Yes!

And her daddy knows she ain’t fine.  Russel Brand ( you know the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall and upcoming host of MTV music awards) apparently suggested the clinic she is going to.  Winehouse’s dad spoke out saying- “This is a very good idea. If she can get clean and still see Blake it can only be good.” Blake is sooooooo ugly and sooooo annoying.

They should just divorce because we all know both are screwing other people. Amy is probably screwing Pete and Blake is screwing another inmate.

I’m really glad Michael Phelps cleared the air about the relationship rumors with Amanda Beard ( ugly).

He politely said on TV’s Extra -”No, I’m not dating Amanda Beard. I’ll say that. I think she has a boyfriend.”  However, when Amanda Beard was asked whether she’s kissed Michael Phelps she went for the-”EW!!! NO!!!” approach.  Then she actually goes on to say -”C’mon, I have really good taste.”

What the hell’s that supposed to mean? Michael Phelps is absolutely gorgeous. Many think he’s got a butter face but I love his features. He’s got that all American boy look- not fake teeth, fake tan look.  Whatever, who needs Amanda anyway?

Michael is estimated to be making $40-100 million in endorsements thanks to his 8 Olympic medals. Humbly Michael says- ” It’s not about the money.  I love what I do.  The one thing I’m really looking forward to doing is raising the bar in the sport of swimming and promoting it…to get new faces involved in the sport.”

I love you Michael!

Watch in HD on a Full Screen for the best result.

These celebrities were born on August 20:

Demi Lovato is 16.
Don King is 77.
Fred Durst is 38.
Amy Adams is 34.
Ben Barnes is 27.
Al Roker is 54.
Robert Plant is 60.

Picture this: The best comics assemble from all over the world every four years to battle it out. Must-see TV, right? With the 2008 Beijing Olympics underway the STD crew decided that it was time for the Olympic committee to add a sport: The Comedic Decathlon. In the event that the IOC President responds to our 548th email and finally approves the decathlon for 2012 games we’ve been practicing:

Q: What insect is good at math?
A: An account-ant.

Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting

Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Elzhi
The Preface

Unless you’re a true underground hip hop head, the mention of an album by Elzhi produced by Black Milk will draw more blank stares than Chinese arithmetic. But if you are familiar, you should know that the Detroit natives somehow avoided relentless gunfire from drive-by shootings to create an essentially flawless album. At least there is hope for Detroit youth now. If you do live to see your 18th birthday you can aspire to be a crooked politician or an underground rapper. How promising! One thing is for sure: If the Detroit hip hop scene continues to rise like its crime rates, acts like Elzhi might not be underground for long.

Reviewer’s Note: Consecutive perfect ratings (see Nas, STD Issue #47) are completely unacceptable so the names “Elzhi” and “Black Milk” seem to be ridiculous enough to warrant a deduction.

- A. Hugh Leonard

Re-Up Gang
Clipse Presents: Re-Up Gang

How many different ways can The Clipse talk about selling drugs? By the looks of things they’ve run out of ideas. And what do you do when you’re hard pressed for new tales of crack? Take songs from a free mixtape and strip them of their beats, replace them with worse production, then slightly alter the song titles, and finally package it and ship it out to music retailers everywhere and watch the money roll in. How genius is that? Who wouldn’t want to purchase a disc of recycled verses spit over uninspired beats? Sounds appetizing. Unfortunately for The Clipse, today’s technology allows people to hear records before they spend their hard earned money on them. If you really want to put as much effort into purchasing this album as The Clipse did making it just visit your local bootlegger.

- A. Hugh Leonard

Janelle Monae
Metropolis: The Chase Suite

The future of sound is here. Laden with new age soul and rooted in rhythm and blues, Bad Boy recording artist Janelle Monae sets—then resets—the standard for supreme musicianship on her debut effort. Set in the distant, and far off, future, the doe-eyed soothsayer speaks on everything—from social ills to political quandaries. Make no mistake; her music is light years ahead. Be forewarned though, if you plan on joining the unconventional sage on her cosmic journey, anything is bound to happen—ready, or not.

- Jason Parham

Shwayze
Shwayze

Hear me out at least. I’m from Los Angeles and usually root for the artist/group/band from my home state. However, this is where I draw the line. Alt-rapper Shwayze’s debut album is just plain bad. Like real bad. Besides the song titles—“Mary Jane”, “Hollywood”, and “Corona and Lime”—that remind me of good times in L.A., nothing else merits a listen to the Malibu rapper’s self-titled LP. It’s so awful I’m stopping my review here.

- Jason Parham

A.O.K.
If You Don’t Buy This CD the Terrorists Will Win

Despite the uncohesiveness between tracks and spotty production, rapper(?) A.O.K.’s solo debut is pretty decent. It’s like one long joke that, at times, isn’t funny—yet you can’t help but listen. It all begins to make sense when you realize A.O.K. is from Canada. And you have to give the guy credit; he’s definitely on to something with the album title— If You Don’t Buy This CD the Terrorists Will Win. It’s marketing genius. Who really wants terrorists to win at anything (save for the terrorists themselves)? In that spirit you should go out right now and buy the album. If not for him, at least for your country.

- Jason Parham

One of my complaints every season is the lack of denim skirt variety. I’d welcome a range of silhouettes, colours, lengths and washes. At the moment, there’s a nice selection of knee-length straight-ish denim skirts. It’s a look most body types can wear if you get the right fit on the hip and thigh area:

• To create a curve:  choose a style that tapers in towards the knee.
• To straighten a curve: choose a style that hangs straight from the hip down, or flares out slightly.

I personally prefer a dark wash, but have successfully popped clients into lighter washes, black-black, cream and grey denim skirts as well. If you don’t have one already, consider adding a denim skirt to your wardrobe. It’s a great way to get out of a pants rut.

An assortment of knee length straight denim skirts. Some of the side seams taper in, while others hang straight or  flare out slightly. Dress them up or down and make skirts a “go-to item” when you’re sick of jeans.

Veronica Mars movie?!