Juice with Junior

I know, I know. I've been railing on about all kinds of things I don't like recently. The whiteness of "Saturday Night Live". Valerie Bertinelli's 80s hair. Thanksgiving. But I promise that this will only take a minute. Let me just collect my thoughts, take a sip of my drink...

Um, no. 16-year-old Miley Cyrus. 20-year-old rumored boyfriend (and skivvies model) Justin Gaston. Yeah, no. To all of it. No. No.

NO!!!!!

Listen, I don't dislike Miley Cyrus although I'm convinced that she's one of those mean girls that texts other girls and tells them they're fat, but even that doesn't make me dislike her.

However, what I'm not liking is the press thinking it's perfectly appropriate to report that a 20 YEAR OLD MAN is "dating" a 16 YEAR OLD GIRL! And she was 15 YEARS OLD when these rumors started.

I'm sorry, but in a country where two grown up gay people can't get married in most of the land, you mean to tell me that suddenly it's acceptable in the media to say that the two of them are in some kind of relationship. Um, NO!

She is a girl and he is a man, and I don't care how Christian he is, he needs to start "hanging out" with girls that have the presence of mind to know that as a 20 year old, he wants other things in life than a 16 year old can understand. So, um...

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Watch the genesis of this rant below when Mark Steines of "Entertainment Tonight" thought it would be so cute to as the then 15-year-old Cyrus about the "statutory rape"... Oops, I mean "possible boyfriend" at her b-day party...



How inappropes... I mean adorable!

(p.s. Miley defenders: your time starts now!)

Hello everyone. I hate to come back after the Thanksgiving holiday with such a somber report but today is World AIDS Day and we gots to talk about it. It's important and often underdiscussed.

This is the 20th anniversary of World AIDS Day and it's amazing how long the disease has been around (and probably since before the 80s although no one had a name for it) and we still don't have a cure.

Now I don't want to be negative, but I'm one of those people who either thinks that viral-born diseases may never be cured or that the government already has the cure and won't release it. The second theory may also stem from the fact that I watched all of JFK a few weeks ago and now... everything... is... a... conspiracy... But regardless, I'm also one of those people who thinks that we already have the cure: your head. No, not that head. The one up there. Yes, that one. Very good.

Now I know there are many ways that people contract HIV: The Virus that Causes AIDS but one of the most common ways is through sexual contact, and outside of rape or other controlling factors, sexual activity is largely within your control. Unless you're one of those ridiculously hot people that has to beat sexually-interested partners off your body throughout the day with a fly swatter, and really for those people, I offer my sympathies.

Anyway, on this World AIDS Day, I thought that I would not just talk about the millions of people around the world who have died due to the disease, who are currently affected, or that thousands of people will be infected each year especially gay men and black people but I would talk a little about sexual health and offer a few places where you can turn to for more information. My friends know that I am kind of a sexually-transmitted disease freak. Not that I have them, but that I need to know everything about them.

It honestly surprises me that everyone isn't this way. I mean, like Cher Horowitz said "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet." Learn about sexual health. It's your health. You have the power to control it. Oh and USE CONDOMS!

You can never say it enough. Okay, onto this post's bibliography...


Above is my favorite book about sexual health. It literally should be passed out in schools, on street corners, and just available at free kiosks in bars across the world. It's "The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex" (above) by Stephen E. Goldstone, MD. You may be scratching your heads, but I promise its essential reading for both genders and people of any sexuality. It's that good...

...The only problem is that it's almost 10 years old. That's why it's good to take the information contained within ("Anoreceptive male sexual partners need pap smears!" "Although rare, you can contract HIV through unprotected oral sex!" "What the f#ck is molluscum contagiosum?!") and venture onto the internet or consult your local medical professional for more information BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING RISKY!

I'm not saying you should hermetically seal yourself until you know everything about every disease under the sun (it couldn't hurt), but take the time before your next sexual encounter (me: "What next encounter?") to learn about what's out there.


A good website to turn to is the one run by the Centers for Disease Control, you know the people who make sure we don't get Ebola and whatnot. As they are the Disease People trademark, they have all the up-to-date info on any number of things you can catch while he's rubbin' up on you. You can learn how to protect yourself from diseases that you maybe never heard of (what in the lord in heaven is trichomoniasis!?) or better yourself if you have one.

I urge you to spend a little time thinking about your own sexual health, what you can do to protect yourself *USE CONDOMS!* and how you can learn more by trolling the CDC's site and scaring yourself all day. Good times!

(p.s. if you have any other books or websites that you like that deal with sexual health, HIV, or AIDS, do let us all know. We are eager for the knowledge...)

Charlie Carver.

[p.s. the actor plays the new grown-up Porter Scavo on "Desperate Housewives" and although he does have a twin brother named Max, I'm choosing him as there can only be one Sunday Swoon and he's been the focus of the storyline... Or maybe they both have been playing the same part and switching between scenes... Um, anyway, he's hot!]

[p.s. HE'S 20! HE'S 20! HE'S 20! There. That should take care of anyone who thinks I'm lusting after a teenager... He only plays one on TV...]

Every year, I waiver over whether I'm going to celebrate Thanksgiving. I mean, I do go to my family's house every year but some year's I'm enthusiastic, other years I'm dragging my feet.

Some years I'm eating everything, even stuffing, which is a food I don't understand (what is it? no seriously, what is it!?) and other years I have proclaimed that I'm never going to celebrate this awful racist holiday ever again!

This year, I think I'm happy about it. Don't get me wrong; I'm not happy about celebrating the acquisition of goods, labor, and services from the Native American peoples and then the subsequent decimation of their lands and resources. That I'm not happy about. But I can get down with turkey and macaroni and cheese.

This year, I have to go see my grandmother who despite having like 101 kids, complained to my mother about no one asking her to eat at their house. My mother, who is just like me, proceeded to complain on the phone for an hour about how she doesn't want to take care of someone who isn't her mother, and now I'm complaining to all of you about her complaining to me.

"It's the cirrrcle of liiiiife! And it rules us allllll!!!!! Through despair and hoooope! Through faith and luuuuuuuvee!"

Sorry, I do hope that you and your loved ones have a very Happy Thanksgiving regardless of whether you celebrate or not. This is my only post for today and I'll be taking a break on Friday (actually I'll be in the car with my mother and my *shudder* sister going shopping because my mother actually wants to go shopping on Black Friday and get stuck in traffic. I love my life!) so I'll see you again on Monday.

But because I never leave you empty handed, here is the best Thanksgiving scene ever from 1993's "Adams Family Values" (below). I've already posted this before but I love it so much that I had to do it again!



Love that but ugh, back to this Thanksgiving conundrum.

I'm loving it this year but seriously, one time I'm gonna do one of those Thanksgivings when you cancel all your plans with your family, go to the Four Seasons with your boyfriend, order the most expensive thing on the menu, and get a hotel room for the night and just watch the snow fall in each other's arms or something. But that wooould be dependent on me getting a boyfriend...

F#CK!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY.

Dear Valerie Bertinelli,


Hi! It's Junior. Love you. Think you're fab. But um, how do I say this? No one wears their hair like that (above) anymore. That's it. Have a nice day!

(p.s. for those of you reading who are not Valerie Bertinelli, you can watch her bring back the 80s with her hair here and here! Thanks Jenny Craig!)

* This is the last time I'll be discussing Beyoncé in the near future... I know, it's been a little Beyoncé overload around here lately... Bear with me while I resolve the issue...

I do appreciate the intent behind a double album, especially with an artist like Beyoncé, who has a Texas drawl as sweet as apple pie in interviews yet looks like she's about to rip your head off with her thighs when she performs. However, as with any album I listen to, I like to find a common thread amongst all the songs to bring me, the listener, to some kind of elevated understanding of an issue, a topic, or if nothing else, the artist themselves.

I was hoping the same would be true for Beyoncé's third album, "I Am...Sasha Fierce," however, I found myself straining to not only find a common theme but also an identity in the individual songs as well. That makes the entire effort come off a bit cold, despite the wonders of the production around her.

Let's get into (abbreviated) detail. Disc 1, the "I Am..." softer side of the album, is filled with power ballads that don't skimp on the vocal histrionics but are often lacking in passion. "If I Were a Boy" is pure pop despite sounding like "Irreplaceable Part 2." "Disappear" is well-crafted if a little slow; this would also been a perfect song for a duet but it's neither here nor there.

"Halo" is overloud, its electrosheen strut too fast for cryin' by the window, too slow for the clubs. The last two songs on this side (on the standard issue CD) finally start to work: "Ave Maria" is a clever play on the hymn and "Satellites" is a very well sung almost Top 40 rock torch song that feels warmer than the rest.

On the "Sasha Fierce" disc, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" is the best not only in production but also in message; it's defiant stand against baby mamas and a "wifey" culture is necessary and pointedly put. Future single, "Diva" didn't move me (I kept singing "I'm Amanda Diva..." the whole time) and "Video Phone" should have never been included on the album. If you recorded 70 songs, why pick this?

I found the production on "Radio" to be excellent, which is why I was so pained when the lyrics ("I fall in love with my stereo, it never lets me down...") to be so incredibly painful.

If it were a love song or taken a little more seriously, it could have been a club staple. As it is, it's too juvenile for Beyoncé's aging demo and she's too old to really capture Rihanna's fans by singing 'bout her radio.

Overall, I wish both discs were a little more cohesive within themselves and between each other. A clearer direction could have made this a total listening experience rather than a collection of admittedly well-executed singles.

(p.s. this review is only for the standard version of the album. I listened to the deluxe edition extra songs: they didn't really add or take away from this assessment, so I chose to omit them.)

Welcome to another New Music Tuesday post!

I'm actually playing ketchup and mustard a little as I've gotten behind in new music, but never fear, I'll be all caught up in no time. As it usually goes around here, below are five tracks I have been indulging in lately that I think you'll enjoy.

The album and release date info is always provided and there are some Mini Album Reviews for stuff I've gotten around to listening in full to. Let me know if you like what you hear or if you have any music that you think I should listen to.

I never keep my ears closed! Enjoy! (p.s. YouTube videos and links may be the perfect gift today and be returned for store credit tomorrow. Listen as soon as you can!)


5)

Eric Benét - "You're the Only One" (video below)



Album: "Love and Life"
Released: September 2008

I'm kinda late with this new album from everyone's favorite cheating husband of Halle Berry, oh let me stop. I've actually always liked the Milwaukee-born Benét and I like this song too. Plus, I think he's wearing shoes in this video.

With him, that doesn't always happen...


4)

Dido - "It Comes and It Goes" (video below)



Album: "Safe Trip Home"
Released: November 2008

Mini Album Review: The reviews for this album by the British singer had been glowing; I was so ready to listen and enjoy, accept I didn't. First, I fell asleep. Then, I was bored. Then, I just wanted all the gentle cooing and hushed vocals to end. I like Dido, especially 1999's "No Angel." But any grit on that album is gone and while the reason may be poignant, you gotta give me something to hold onto.

Song grade: B-
Album grade: C+


3)


Labelle (above) - "System" (listen via Rhapsody)

Album: "Back to Now"
Released: October 2008

The divas of R&B, funk, rock, and everything else from Philadelphia are back after more than 30 years of not recording. This is my favorite track off the album, which I won't even bother to review because that would be insulting. I've seen Miss Patti in concert and would never even dream of insulting her...


2)


Keane (above) - "You Haven't Told Me Anything" (listen via YouTube)

Album: "Perfect Symmetry"
Released: October 2008

This is the only other song off of the British pop-rockers third album I like. It's a fun, playfully dramatic number that I think you'll enjoy, so enjoy!


1)



Q-Tip (above) - "Johnny Is Dead" (listen via YouTube)

Album: "The Renaissance"
Released: November 2008

Mini Album Review: This Queens MC's last released album, 1999's "Amplified," is the only rap CD that I have ever purchased and kept. This album is definitely better than the mish-mash the first was, however, even it sometimes gets bogged down by eerily-placed samples or songs ending too quickly or going on for too long. The songs that do work, like "Johnny" and single "Gettin Up," are slow nighttime drives down NYC streets: glittery yet filled with emotion.

Song grade: A
Album grade: B+


Have fun listening!

Next week: MY OFFICIAL HOLIDAY PLAYLIST OF 2008!

I don't want to be that guy... you know, the "why are there no people of color" here or there guy. I wish I could just bury my head in the sand and pretend that racism has ended, but when something is so blatant, I can't ignore it. I have a platform (that 7 people read). I must speak.

And I can't ignore the fact that "Saturday Night Live" has been all-white, all-the-time for a little too long for my taste. I mean it's a sketch comedy show. It's not the White House.

This shouldn't be a conversation that I'm having. None of us should be having it! It's a show with a large cast, just add some people that look like people who actually live on the face of the earth who don't resemble 30-ish male white men. Easy, no?

Listen, I'm not slow. I know that "SNL" hasn't been friendly to people of color or women for that matter for pretty much its entire run. The show may have launched or helped propel the careers of Garrett Morris, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Maya Rudolph, Horatio Sanz, and Tim Meadows to name a few, but the number of white actors (mostly actors aside from the female anomalies of Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Tina Fey) who have gone onto often bigger and brighter success (despite similar or lacking talent) is much longer (paging David Spade).

But that's the past, now is now and now the show has the ability to make itself look like the world around it and it just doesn't for unknown reasons. And it doesn't just stop with the cast.

As the show has hosts and musical acts, I've noticed that those celebs selected to perform those duties are also curiously absent of melanin unless the musical genre is "hip hop," although people of color outside of that musical realm typically don't find their way to the main stage. There's a lot, I know.

That's why we're gonna break it down and go through everything piece by piece, try to provide some critical thinking points, and offer places for the show to focus on improvement. First off, I just wanted to say that when I talk about "no people of color," I obviously don't mean that, I just mean "too few." Also, I am not in favor of quotas or anything like that.

I support diversity, which means an effort to make fun of all kinds of people.

Therefore, "SNL" executive producer Lorne Michaels, if you pull all your cast members from comedy troupe The Groundlings, which tends to be more white, then try to cast your rod elsewhere and find funny people of color. The last thing I support is someone unfunny being on the show just because they're Asian or black.

No one wants to see that. Lastly, the reason I'm even going there today is because I love "SNL"! It's not my favorite sketch comedy show (that would be the Michaels-produced "The Kids in the Hall," with five white men natch) but I think it's very often hilarious.

Nothing can make me laugh harder than Kirsten Wiig doing Suze Orman below.



"...People first, then money, then things, then homemade maxi-pads." LOL!

Alright, enough funny, as you can read, we have a lot to cover. I'm going to keep this as short and to the point as possible. If you want me to elaborate, then feel free to ask. *Cracks knuckles* Let's begin with the hosts and musical guests:


No person of color has hosted "SNL" this season at all. Let me just say that again.

No Person of Color From All of Entertainment Has Hosted "SNL" This Season At All. Did that sink in? Can you not see how dire the circumstances are?

If I were an alien who landed on earth to find out more about our planet and solely used the hosts of "SNL" as a guide to what humans all looked like, I would not be included in the analysis. I don't know about you, but that's annoying to me. Think about how many sketch comedy shows there are on television (soon to be one less now that my beloved "MadTV" was just canceled). I know, not many, so for "SNL" to just ignore a whole swath of people is ridiculous.

Okay, according to my investigative reporting (reading the show's Wikipedia page), it appears that the last person to host the show of any kind of non-white ethnicity was basketball player LeBron James (above with musical guest Kanye West and Rudolph) on September 29, 2007.

MORE THAN A YEAR AGO!

Well some may say that was because the writer's strike abbreviated that season. Well actually, the only other person of color to host in 2007 hosted in the prior season and that person was Oscar-winner Forest Whitaker (left), who was good.

Despite winning an Oscar that same year, Jennifer Hudson never hosted or performed. "Dreamgirls" costar Beyoncé has performed three times but unlike similarly popular music star, the Timberfake, she has never hosted. The Timberfake even acted as host and performer for the same show in 2003 and again in 2006, but Beyoncé has never hosted. Same goes for John Cho. "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" star Michael Cera was due to host this time last year but the strike canceled his show. Cho, Cera's co-star in that film, and the star of the "Harold & Kumar" films has never hosted. Neither has Cho's co-star Kal Penn.

Or Emmy-winner America Ferrara who also stars in the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" films. Or Neil Patrick Harris, who, yes is white, but is also gay and the last out gay person I could find who hosted was Ian McKellan on March 16... 2002! You read that right.

So much for being gay-friendly!

Now as I said, this post isn't just going to point fingers, instead, I want to provide solutions. Currently, the show's Wikipedia page shows that John Malkovich (um, why?!) is going to host on Dec. 6 and Dec. 13 is "TBA". Will Smith has a movie coming out Dec. 19. I'm sure he'd like the publicity (wink, wink) and he's never hosted (I still can't believe that btw, is Wikipedia broken?).

Think about it. Other future hosts could include Smith's movie costar Rosario Dawson or "Zack & Miri Make a Porno's" Craig Robinson or Sandra Oh, I could keep going...


On the musical guest side of things, the show gets much better marks.

Maybe because, wow, they have someone who makes sure the show chooses varied artists representing a wide range of styles of music every season like Mariah Carey (above) followed by Panic! at the Disco the next week. Hmmm... Sounds a little like what I'm describing for the hosts... Hmmm... Maybe we could implement something like that on the host side?

Mind you the numbers aren't great. The show has a tendency to focus on indie rock bands (who have a tendency to be white men) or really popular artists and not on a wider variety of music. No TV on the Radio or Cassandra Wilson here. Just indie/pop staples.

Generally, I'm not unhappy so let's move onto the the cast itself.


As I said, the show has never been very diverse. Remember when they replaced the entire cast and added now-legend Will Ferrel and the consistently hilarious Cheri Oteri. Well the only person of color they kept back then was Meadows. Kenan Thompson (whom I love) currently fills that role and Fred Armisen is of Venezuelan and Japanese decent.

And that's all she wrote folks!

I know, it's crazy. The longest running and highest rated sketch comedy show has two members of color (I'll count Armisen although a case could be made for not). No other Asian-Americans, no people of Latino decent, no Native Americans, no one of Indian (from India) decent. And the show just added two white female players. Yes. Two white women.

Abby Elliott (right) and Michaela Watkins. While women are necessary... I mean, seriously...?!

Both ladies worked at Groundlings and both I'm sure are lovely and talented although both of their submission tapes left a lot to be desired.

Like funny. Oh snap.

Anyway, on last week's show with Tim McGraw (I love him dearly, but why was he hosting? Why?), Watkins unveiled her Arianna Huffington while it was OK, it left we some questions.

First let's watch the tape...



The sexual entendre at the end is a little questionable in my opinion but it's OK.

My first question is why would you even bother to do Huffington after the brilliance that is Tracey Ullman's on "State of the Union" (below)...



It doesn't get any better than that.

My second question is why are we doing all these Ariana Huffington impersonations anyway? I mean "The Huffington Post" is popular but there are other people.

Speaking of other people, many bloggers out there have been clamoring for the show to add a black female member as they need someone to play Michelle Obama. The last person the show used to play Obama was Rudolph, who left the show earlier this year and who would probably tell you that she looks nothing like Michelle Obama.

That clip is below.



Now I don't agree that the show should add a black female cast member because they need someone to play Michelle Obama. I think the show needs to add a black female member because BLACK WOMEN EXIST ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

Plus the show is missing some great opportunities.

Without a black woman, you can't do Oprah or Tyra or Condoleezza Rice or any of the other wonderful hilarious black women that need to be made fun of without someone in a wig or uncomfortable blackface or people in the background who exist in the world.

I mean could "MadTV" have done Whitney as well as they did without the beyond gifted Debra Wilson (below). LOVE HER! What is she doing nowadays? I'll have to investigate...



Now again, I said this post wouldn't be me complaining the whole time.

I'd thought I'd offer the producers of "SNL" a few suggestions on who I think would be good to add to the cast in order to make things a little more diverse. I don't want anyone to leave the cast, just a few additions that would be good.



Aziz Ansari (above).

This 25-year-old L.A. comedian is already the star of the MTV's sketch comedy show "Human Giant," which means he has the experience and if you can get him out of his MTV contract, I'm sure he would be a good addition to "SNL."



Erica Ash (above).

This Atlanta-based actress/comedian is already a cast member of both "The Big Gay Sketch Show" and "MadTV." Perhaps she could add the third show to her roster? I've seen her on both shows and think she's be great.



Ken Jeong (above).

Jeong would be so wonderful on "SNL" it hurts. This real-life L.A. physician now actor/comedian was excellent in "Knocked Up" and "Pineapple Express" and has a dry wit missing from many of "SNL's" current cast.



Chris Spencer (above).

I've loved Chris Spencer ever since he played the lackadasical husband Alex on Bravo's short-lived "Significant Others." To counterbalance Kenan Thompson's youth, I think Spencer would be a good addition.


Okay, this post is really long and has taken me like all day to write.

How about we summarize and get to some discussion questions. In sum, "SNL" rarely lets people of color host their show despite having many come on as musical acts. In addition, the show is severely lacking in cast members of color to make fun of similarly-looking people in our culture without guest stars. Now I need to know: am I making too much of this?

Do you know of any funny people of or of not color who you think would be good on "SNL" as hosts? Musical guests? Cast members? Do discuss at your own leisure.

I don't care what anyone says...



...But the above commercial for Sprint's "Instinct" phone is the most lesbian...

...Wait, or is it lesbanic? lesbianonic? lesbionic? lesbatronic??! Forget it... is the most lady gay commercial I've ever seen... And I LOVE IT! It's like a 30-second long episode of "The L Word" (which comes back Jan. 18!!)

Do what I do: take out the line about wanting a "husband" in the beginning and change "with a phone" to "with your vajay" at the end and you'll see what I mean. Every time I watch it I say to myself "Ladies, stop denying your feelings!"

(p.s. this post officially ends my recent obsession of taking things that were straight and making them gay. Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed it. Please tip your wait staff.)